This is how I feel EXACTLY.

I read this on my fellow FHE cochair's blog today and it reminded me exactly of how I feel right now at this point in my life except her little list of course!

Noelle:

adrift.
i've been told my entire life that i wasn't a strong swimmer. and that may be true.
but i'd rather be a weak swimmer than a floater.
and lately, i'm adrift.

i stay up too late.
i sleep in.
i eat dinner for breakfast.
or snacks for meals.
i work from 11-1pm. 4-6pm. 9-11pm.
i shower at random.
or when i think the bathroom will be warm enough.

my days are as structured as a wet noodle. and while some people may revel in the freedom of a life without boundaries, i find safety, security and productivity in a regiment.

at one point in my life i was en route from point a to point b. charting a course, adjusting, changing, swimming, and making progress. on my way to this "finish line" -professional growth, academic success, personal development, relationship building - there was purpose and fulfillment. each buoy passed gave a sense of accomplishment. i was getting "closer" and improving along the way.

and then that course changed.

i was pulled from my race and dropped in another - somewhere in the middle, no end in sight and no clear course marked. and i'm having a hard time getting my bearings.

unsure of which direction to swim (and afraid of heading in the wrong one) i've stopped moving forward. i'm floating, drifting, subject to currents and waves and headed nowhere. at first, it was nice to enjoy the view. rest my lungs and muscles. shake off the stress of competition. now it feels like i'm barely maintaining a position, and each day that passes is forward progress lost.

but i don't really know where to go